“All you need to do is take the first step”

Tags

fear, invisible illness, self confidence, spiral, well meaning lies, you are not alone

This is a phrase that I’ve heard often during my depression. It’s a phrase I’ve come to hate and fear. The first time I remember hating it was when I first started actively dealing with my depression. A friend, intending on being kind and hepful, told me that all I had to do was take the first step. In her mind the first step was going out for a walk, instead of sitting moping in my apartment. She had a valid point. Moping in my appartment was doing nothing for me. Fresh air and exercise would have been a lot better for me. I still didn’t like the phrase. Back then that wasn’t a step… that was a mountain.

The first time I remember fearing that phrase was when I realised (not in a bland mental way, but in a ‘sudden gut-wrenching moment of horror’ kind of way) that all my life was going to be first steps. From then on. From always to forever. Because you can’t just keep going once you’ve started. You need to stop sometimes. You need to rest. It’s sometimes as important as the trying was in the first place. And once you stop to rest then you need to take that first step all over again.

I’m writing this now because I’ve had this blog going for years now, but sometimes I need to set it aside for a while and look at my life through my own eyes instead of through the analytical eyes of a writer. And when I do set it aside for a while… well, I’m back to first steps.
‘Cos it’s scary picking something like this up again after a long gap.
It’s scary trying to figure out if I should try to explain why I’ve been missing posts, or if I should just keep going as if nothing happened.
It’s scary poking at things that I’d left lie too long.
It’s scary taking that first step… all over again.

This is partly me trying to explain why I’ve been away, but it’s also (as it always is) me letting people know that they aren’t alone in what they’re feeling. When someone tell you that you just have to take the first step it’s so easy to believe that that’s true for everyone except you. For years I thought that I was just taking the step wrong, or not having enough faith, or just ‘being lazy’. But no. NO. Scary things don’t stop being scary just because you’ve done them once before. That’s not how they work. 
What you DO get, though, is that little store of knowledge that says you’ve done this before, and you’ve faced it, and you’ve come out the other side. You do get to say “I’ve beaten you before, I can beat you again!” It’s not as good as lack of fear would be. It’s not as easy. But it’s there, and it’s not something that’s changed in the world, but something that’s changed in you. And sometimes that’s a lot more important.

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Brain Gremlins

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brain gremlins, coping, depression, fighting back, invisible illness, self-criticism, spiral, you are not alone

I mentioned brain gremlins in passing in my last post, and I’m likely to mention them again, so I thought I’d post a bit about them now.

“Brain Gremlins” is my pet word for those voices inside your head. you know the ones. The voices that shout at you, and call you “fat” or “stupid” or “lazy” even when you know it’s not true. They’re the voices that tell you that everyone hates you, even when your friends are all around you and trying to support you. They’re the voices that shout “shut up shut up shut up” when you’re trying to think, and bring up painful memories at just the wrong moment. They’re the liars that say you’re not worth anything. In short: They’re jerks.

In the world outside your head jerks are enough of a problem, but when they’re inside you, and a part of you, it’s even harder to ignore them. The more you try to push them away the more childishly they act. The more you yell at them to shut up, the bigger their tantrums become. So how do you deal with them?

My advice for dealing with brain gremlins is the same as my advice for dealing with any jerks you can’t get away from. Inform them calmly and politely that they’re being unreasonable, point out what might be a more reasonable approach on their part, and don’t get drawn into frustrated argument!!

“Frustrated argument with myself?” you may exclaim. Yes. There are times in all our lives when we try to fight back the negative voices in our heads by simply thinking “No, that’s wrong. That’s WRONG!”
Now it is very often true, but the problem with this approach is that it is, in itself, negative. The brain gremlins are a part of you, and convincing yourself that they’re wrong is still feeling that there’s something wrong inside you. A far more reasonable way of doing it is to calmly remind yourself of what is true. Strive to notice when the brain gremlins say you’ve failed, and try to replace that thought with “I handled that well, given the circumstances” or “Huh, I’ll have to learn from that and do better next time.” Listen out for their cries of “You’re just being lazy” and say “I’m lacking energy right now”, “I’m doing all I can” or even “Perhaps I should get up and do something right now!”

One of the vital points about brain gremlins is that they can’t, and shouldn’t, just be ignored. They are criticism. They are often harsh and unfair criticisms, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t step back and look at them critically and decide if they are all BS or if they point out possibilities for improvement. In a way they’re even more important than criticism from close friends, because they’re criticism from you! They show things that you aren’t happy about, for one reason or another, and that kind of clue shouldn’t be ignored. Looking at them from a more detached perspective can help you to either find out what you can do to improve whatever they’re bitching about in you, or find out why it is that you think that these criticisms are true when they’re clearly not.

Another important things about dealing with brain gremlins is to remember that what is in your head is not necessarily true, and that feelings aren’t the same as facts.
Another is to remember that feelings are also important! When the brain gremlins tell you that you have no friends and that no-one wants to spend time with you it’s important not to believe that that’s true. It’s important to remember that there are people out there who care for you, and that if you pull away from them it’s harder for them to help you. It’s also important to remember that no matter what the truth is you’re still feeling alone and friendless, and that that’s a valid and upsetting feeling. By all means recognise that it’s wrong and take steps to prove that to yourself, but never tell yourself that you’re wrong for feeling it. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling down. Self-disgust is a really bad way of climbing out of a depression spiral!

If you have people that you trust to talk to about brain-wibble like this then it can be useful to get an outside view on the brain gremlins’ claims. Sometimes the reassurance of a friend that they do honestly like you can be enough to pull you out of a downward spiral. Sometimes (although far harder) a brutally honest friend and a strong will to face things can help you see when the brain gremlins might actually have a point, and can help you to change what it is that you dislike about yourself. And sometimes someone who can hug you and say “Wow, your brain gremlins really are jerks!” can help you get through another day.

And remember, even when they speak a grain of truth, brain gremlins really are jerks.

Exercise and feeling better: Effect and Cause?

Tags

coping, know yourself, spiral, take care of yourself, well meaning lies, you are not alone

“Why not go out for a walk. The fresh air and exercise will make you feel better.”

If you’ve ever suffered from any kind of low mood for any reason then you’ll have heard this advice. It’s well meaning, it’s caring, and it’s often true. There have been times when I’ve returned from a brisk walk feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. But while it’s often right, it’s often wrong too, and it’s one of those places where I (and I’m sure others) have difficulty seperating the effect from the cause.

When I have one of those days, when I go out for a walk and feel better afterwards, it’s easy to think that this would have been the result any other day had I only stirred up the energy to go for a walk then too. But the more I look at it the more I wonder… Where did that energy come from in the first place? There have been days when I’ve *had* to go out, for one reason or another, and every step has been an agony and when I’ve returned I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up and wish the world away. So what makes these walks different from the ones that leave me refreshed and renewed? The only answer I can come to is that exercise, like anything else in life, isn’t as straightforward as we’d like to believe. Yes, it can leave us feeling better… if we have the energy to spare in the first place. Feeling better is the cause of the exercise, which is the cause of feeling better. A spiral, yet again. Spirals seem to be one of the recurring themes in depression!

If you’re wondering whether staying in or breaking out is the best course of action for you right now, then here are some questions you can ask yourself:

Do I really feel that I can’t, or do I only feel that I don’t want to?
Not only are the two very similar at times, but the line between them often blurs. Make sure you’re not using inability as an excuse for laziness. But also make sure that you’re not using fear of laziness to push you farther than you can comfortably go.

Is there any other exercise or activity that I’d feel more positive about?
The choices aren’t just “go for a run” or “watch TV”. If you don’t feel up to going outside then some gentle stretches might help instead. Or if it’s the activity that you can’t face, then try just going and sitting outside for ten minutes for some air and a change of scenery.

Is there anything I can do to make the exercise more fun?
Something as simple as some music to listen to, or a challenge to complete, can make the difference between forcing yourself out to do things and actually enjoying it.

Can I combine things I have to do, to make them seem like less of a chore?
Perhaps running to the shops will be attainable on a day where you can’t face going for a run and shopping separately?

Is it that you don’t want to do the exercise, or that you’d prefer to be doing something else instead?
If it’s really just the brain-gremlins trying to persuade you that watching TV would be more fun than going for a walk, then how about trying to deal with them? If you have time for both then remind yourself that there’s always the option of exercise and *then* TV. If you don’t have time for both then you’ll need to prioritise. Which will actually make you feel better? And once you’ve chosen one, don’t let the guilt in. If feeling less down is your aim then do whichever one makes you feel less down!

So when someone urges you to go out and do something active, and everything within you cries out that you can’t; well maybe everything in you is right. Maybe you aren’t up to coping with that right now. Maybe you need another approach to deal with your low mood. And if you think of trying exercise and your mind says “hey, that doesn’t sound so bad”? Well grab it with everything you’ve got, and keep that spiral going up!

From the other side

Tags

depression, for non-sufferers, good deeds, hope, how it feels, invisible illness, mental-health, spiral, you are not alone

What’s it like living with someone who suffers from depression?
It’s a question that I was asked, and one that I’ve been thinking about ever since. It’s a hard one for me to answer, because everything I see is coloured by the fact that I’ve been there too… but what’s it like for someone who hasn’t been there? Someone who doesn’t know what it’s like from the inside.

Only recently did I realise that the fact that I suffer from depression doesn’t actually change how hard it is to deal with others who are consumed by the same condition. It’s still hard. It’s still a challenge. So what is it like?

I knew someone who had depression. It took away all her spoons, left her with no energy to get up in the mornings, no interest in doing the things she used to love. And when she was well things were wonderful, but when she wasn’t…
It’s hard to live with someone who just hasn’t got the energy. It’s hard to see them lying there and to want to do something to make them better, but you can’t think of anything that will spark an interest in them. It’s hard to want to help and not be able to.

I knew someone who had depression. It took away his emotions. It left him feeling empty and alone and unloved, no matter how many people gathered around him, and how much they cared. It left him unable to show people how much he cared about them, because what’s the point? Why would they care if he cared? It’s heartbreaking to want someone’s love, but know that right now they can’t give it. They can’t feel it.

I knew someone who had depression. It took away her stability. It gave her highs and lows, and you could never tell which way she’d feel today. It’s confusing, living with someone who can react one day with tears of joy, and another with rage, and all to the same little things. It’s hard to know what to do.

I knew someone with depression. It took him away. It took away his ability to keep in contact. It took away his desire to keep up contact when I made it. We still talk, and I know how good things can be when we’re together, but it happens less and less. And it’s hard. I know it’s hard for him, but it’s hard for me too. I miss him.

I know so many people with depression. It’s why I write this blog. It’s why I try to help people to understand what they’re going through, and what others are going through. Because when depression has taken your energy, and your emotion, your stability, your very self… When there’s nothing left inside you and you can’t believe in what’s outside you… When all that’s left is the will that says to you “hold on”…. That’s when it means the most to find out that that’s not all there is. Being there for someone with depression is hard, and confusing, and heartbreaking at times… but it’s worth it. It’s worth it for the good days, when they enjoy life, and are their old self again. And it’s worth it for the bad days too. The days you never see. The days when they’re so messed up, so confused, and it isn’t just the will that holds them on… it’s you.

Upping the Dosage

Tags

depression, invisible illness, mental-health, spiral

I went to the doctor recently to tell him that I really wasn’t doing so well. What I call my “twitching fits” were getting worse, and mood dips were getting more common and severe. After a bit of discussion he hesitantly suggested upping my dosage. “I know you won’t want to hear this” he said “but I really think we should put you up to 40mg”. I sighed. He apologised, and explained that it was still a reasonable dose, and that common dosages in cipramil go all the way up to 80mg. He said it was really the best thing to do.

Not only did I know he was right, even as he was explaining himself, but it was pretty much what I’d expected when I came in to see him, and I agreed completely.
So why did I sigh?

It wasn’t because I don’t like taking meds, or because I don’t like relying on higher and higher dosages, or because I felt out of control…
It was because he didn’t pull out a magic wand and make it all go away.
He didn’t bring out the super secret medication that will make it all better, but that he saves for special cases like mine.
He didn’t instantly fix all my problems.
And I know he doesn’t have any of those things, and I know he can’t do that, but every time I go in to see him… well… I really wish!

Bumps along the road

Tags

coping, depression, fighting back, how it feels, spiral

I’ve neglected the blog for a while, I know, and I appologise. For the past few weeks I’ve hit some little snags, and I’ve dealt with them badly. The biggest problem that I’ve hit was (surprise surprise!) within my own mind. I slipped into self-pity.

Now, I’ve said before, and I will say again, that depression is an illness. It’s not unreasonable to feel the way you’re feeling, it’s not a failing on your part… it’s not your fault. That said, it’s one of those many cases of “all things in moderation”, and I went a little bit too far. I began to justify not doing things because I was sick. I took it as a reason to stay in bed all day. I began feeling that I was so badly put upon that I couldn’t possibly be expected to cope, and so I didn’t bother trying to cope. And, worst of all, I began to forget that other people have problems too. I started feeling a sense of entitlement, whereby I deserved more than other people because I was going through more.

Now, this sounds pretty severe, but it wasn’t as bad as the last paragraph makes it sound. I began thinking and feeling all these things, but I don’t think I’ve let any of them get too far. Now I’ve spotted them and can start trying to work against them (says the girl who’s typing this from bed because she shouldn’t be expected to have to get up 😛 ). Noticing them at this stage is giving me some hope that I’m learning to spot the spiral!

Anyway, this is a short piece to explain why I’ve been missing for a while, and to touch briefly on the interesting and insanely complicated topic of self-pity vs. admitting your problems.
Regular programming should recommence shortly.

Spotting the Spiral.

Tags

depression, fighting back, spiral

Of all the things about depression, this is the bit I find hardest to deal with:
You’re feeling lethargic; You can’t get out of bed in the mornings (or evenings, or nights); You’re having negative thoughts and unpleasant physical reactions; You’re getting paranoid and irritable… and you don’t notice.

It’s amazing how far depression can go before you notice it’s been eating at you. Once you do notice it’s amazing how obvious it seems, and how easy it should have been to spot what was happening. That pile of coffee mugs and junk-food wrappers by your bed? An obvious sign. The way you got irritated at the things you used to love? A sign. Your loss in appetite? A sign. But none of these sign mean anything to you while you’re actually in the spiral. Even close friends pointing out that you’re not seeming too well gets brushed off with a feeling of “Yeah I’m a bit down, but I’ve been worse.”
And then you realise you haven’t been worse. Not in a long time. And you need to do something NOW!

As to how to spot the spiral… well… I haven’t managed that bit yet. If any of you have suggestions or advice please let me know! The best I can manage is to always try to take my friends’ advice and concerns seriously, even when I think I’m fine, and to stop every now and then and think “is this feeling really normal for me?” or “Am I sure I’m still coping?”

Another thing (which I have yet to achieve) is to notice when my productivity starts going down; when I let the dishes pile up for weeks, and stop doing art. It may seem strange to go to the doctor because I haven’t been keeping up with my hobbies, but I think it’d be worth it to stop the spiral early on and not have to deal with miserable depths of depression. Like I say, I haven’t managed this yet, but someday… someday.