I haven’t made a blog entry in a while. Sorry to everyone out there who follows this blog and finds it useful. I had a lot of excuses for why I let it slip (I was busy, I had other things distracting me, etc.) but what it really comes down to is “I was feeling okay”.
When I started writing this blog I thought about what I’d do if I recovered from my depression. Would I still feel okay writing about this topic without living with it every day? Would I feel like a fraud? Would I have enough to talk about? What I didn’t think about, though, is what I’d do if I was still suffering from depression but okay right now. That’s what I’ve been feeling for the past few months.
While feeling okay I’ve still been able to help others who are suffering from similar problems. I haven’t felt like a fraud relating my feelings. I’ve still thought of plenty of topics I could write about… but I haven’t dared write about them. Not because I don’t think they’d make good blog entries, but because I’ve been afraid to poke at depression. “I’m okay right now…” I thought “so why dwell on it?” And then I’ve wandered off to do something else that’s not related to depression.
The thing is, there’s a lot of things in my life that are related to depression, and I can’t afford to avoid all of them. In the past few months I’ve avoided my blog… I think you can all forgive me for that. But I’ve also avoided visiting my doctor (she’ll ask how my depression is going), attending certain events (I’ve felt bad at them before due to depression, so why risk it happening again), being on my own to think about things (why be alone when I’m finally okay with going places and hanging out with people all the time?). Basically, I’ve avoided huge chunks of my life. And although I’ve been feeling okay while doing so I’ve also been building up a lot of potential for not-okay in the future.
Today I made an appointment with my doctor. It was a simple thing, but it left me terrified. After the terror faded, though, it finally clicked how much I’d been avoiding. Now it’s time to stop. Now it’s time to face some fears. Not all of them mind, that’d be a bit too ambitious, but one at a time the walls will fall.
Step 2: write and post up a blog entry… I think I may be on my way 😀