Tags
asking for help, brain gremlins, depression, fear, for non-sufferers, invisible illness, scared, selfishness, suicide, you are not alone
WARNING! This post may contain triggers.
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Hello. My name is Aoife Brown, and today I did not kill myself.
I suppose it’s a lot like other days, in that way. I mean, a lot of other people went through today without killing themselves too.
I could go on a nice little speech about how hopeless I felt, and how useless everything seemed, and how, even though I knew it wasn’t true, I still couldn’t believe that there was anything in me worthwhile enough for me to deserve another day on this planet. I could try to make you understand the intense crushing despair of it all. The feeling that no matter how hard you try you will never be good enough to deserve anything. The conviction that deep down all of this despair is due to an internal fault in you and is so somehow “your fault”. I could even try to explain how everything bad in the world is somehow your fault too. As if you could have fixed it all but you didn’t bother. The world is crap because you are lazy, and need to do better, and should have worked harder…
I could try to explain all of this to *you*, my reader, but the truth is that I don’t understand any of it myself so it would probably be a wasted exercise. Instead, I’m going to focus on something else:
Today, I did not kill myself.
I suppose I’m like a lot of other people that way.
But the question I’m asking myself is, how many other people didn’t kill themselves today?
Not the people who didn’t think of it, but the ones who really, truly, made an effort not to kill themselves?
How many people felt like it was the only way that they could stop feeling this horrible feeling that follows them day after day… and didn’t do it?
And how many of *them* does anybody know about?
How many of them did the same thing yesterday, and the day before… last week… last year…
How many of them hide it from everyone in their lives, and put on a brave face, and go back out there and try again. Day after day. Like me.
Because, you see, today I didn’t kill myself. And it isn’t the first time. And every time I put the smile back on, and pull myself together, and brush it all under the carpet. Because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair of me to even consider suicide. It wasn’t fair of me to look for a way out. I’m the way I am, and I need to deal with it.
Sometimes I try to leave hints that I’m having difficulty coping. I say things I hope people will pick up on, or announce that I’m feeling “really pretty bad” as if that’ll somehow give it away. And then I cop onto myself and cover up any hints and re-assure everyone, because it wouldn’t be fair of me to worry people. Well I’m sorry people, but I’m not going to worry about what you worry about any more. If you’re worried that I’m in a bad state then I’m going to say “Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it.” and I’m going to keep on going. Because I *am* in a bad state. And I *do* appreciate that people care enough to care.
Today, I’m not going to put the smile back on straight away. And by Gods, that’s hard. I feel embarassed about how I feel… how I felt. I feel like I don’t want people to know. I feel like I should delete every reference to it, and act like it never happened. I feel like I was weak even to consider it, and that talking about it is only going to put the people I care about through even more hardship. I feel like even bringing it up is me “being a drama queen” or “looking for attention”. But I’m not going to listen to those brain gremlins right now. I’m going to ignore what they’re saying, and say something of my own:
I know how to get attention. I could get all the attention I want with far less effort and guilt in other ways.
I know what makes people upset. And one of those things is people they care about hiding things from them instead of letting them help.
I know what weakness is, and TRUST ME: If you feel the same desperation that I do then YOU ARE NOT WEAK! No one could get as far as this if they were weak. No one could have coped this long. If you’re depressed enough that suicide seems so tempting, and if you haven’t gone crying to everyone who’d listen long ago and begged them to please, please, PLEASE, make this feeling go away. If you’ve been strong this long… then weakness has nothing to do with it.
No-one deserves to feel this way. It is not normal. It is not “just part of being human”. It’s something horrible, and if you feel this way then you have EVERY RIGHT to be upset and miserable and scared. It’s not something to feel guilty about. It’s not something that you should have to hide. It’s a perfectly reasonable reaction, to a completely unreasonable feeling.
Today, I didn’t kill myself. And I’m going to celebrate. Because it’s a big deal, and I deserve it. I’m going to get myself a pizza, and pour myself a drink, and raise a toast to all the people who did and say “I’m so, so, sorry that you ever had to deal with this. And I am so, so proud of you for getting as far as you did.” And I’m going to raise a toast to all those people who’ve made it one more day and say “I’m glad. Good luck. And I hope to toast you all again tomorrow.” And I’m going to raise a toast to all those people who have no idea what it could ever feel like, and I’m going to say “I hope you never do. But thank you so much for trying to understand me anyway.”
And most importantly, I’m going to raise a toast to me, and say “Go you! You did good.”
Not Alone in There 
That was a difficult post to read.
Unfortunately I can offer little tangible aid/assistance/help or even commentary – at least not much that doesn’t seem woefully subjective.
So, since I must be subjective then will.
I am an egotistical Glaswegian and I am also glad that you did not kill yourself.
It is my sure and certain hope that you will continue to carry on for many many days, months, years and indeed decades.
I fully expect and hope that you will outlive me.
The reason for this is simply that I value you, and I think that my life would be less interesting and less fun were you not a part of it.
So, when next I open a bottle of something I shall raise a toast from this part of the world. Well done.
I have every intention of continuing to live for a long time. I have so many reasons to keep going but, as I said elsewhere, even if I didn’t I’m still a stubborn and proud person who is refusing to give in. I have made depression my nemesis, and I WILL NOT LOSE!
Thank you for the toast, and for making my life more interesting too 😀
I shall raise a toast to you, if you don’t mind it being tea. I didn’t kill myself today, either. And yes, it is an effort, and it is an effort every damn day. Thank you for posting this, because I am not brave enough to, and there are not so many people who know how bad things are in this Very Little Brain. And for this Bear of Very Little Brain it does seem like ‘looking for attention’, and yes, those brain-gremlins can go and Do One, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am not. It is a big deal, and you deserve to celebrate.
Tea is good. My toast of choice was coca-cola, as I didn’t think alcohol would be the best idea. (As an aside, for once corporate advertising made me happy; The cans came with a completely unexpected inscription of “Share a Coke with YOU” which was actually perfect for making me feel better 🙂 )
I’m posting all these things because I really hope that someday people won’t have to be brave to admit to feeling this way. Sadly, for now it’s still bloody terrifying! And the brain gremlins really don’t help!
Oh sweetheart. My love. Come to me little bird. Difficult to read, oh yes. Hard to understand, oh no.
Today I did not kill myself. I am planning on not killing myself tomorrow. I cannot answer for the day after that. I have peered into the darkness, like you and said, no, not this time. I have scrambled for reasons to back away from the abyss and so far, have found them. I have been faced with the biggest reason in the world to give up. I said no. Not today. Yesterday has been. Today is happening as we speak and tomorrow is just a dream. I like dreams. 🙂
Much love,
The Purple One.
So much love!
*hugs*
There are so many reasons to back away from the abyss, and they are good.
There are also many reasons to feel guilty about being there in the first place, and they are utter bull***t.
I’m glad you’re listening to the good reasons!
Aoife
Today I didn’t kill myself either. We did good. I haven’t even come close to kicking the brain gremlins up the arse, so well done coz you did better. One day, and one toast, at a time.
Woohoo!
Let us celebrate together!
We’re both awesome.
Indeed a difficult post to read, but all too easy to relate to. I think that beyond even allowing yourself to NOT hide it, there is an amazing, wonderful bravery in posting here.
Not just bravery though. Compassion and kindness too. That you can post here, and help all of us who can relate, with your words, your insight, your shared experience. As someone who writes, and who expressly did NOT kill himself this weekend, I want to thank you. And I mean it, from the bottom of my heart. You are a rolemodel (would you believe it 🙂 ) who can, and does consistently show what it means to have strength of spirit (or character or whatever you want to call it, I’m not religious).
And in case you find this an overwhelming thought, I certainly don’t mean to say that there is any pressure on you, simply that you are inspirational.
Muchas gracias, go raibh míle maith agat, merci beaucoup, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I write here to show people that they are not alone, but more and more it’s showing me that I’m not alone either. I always knew, logically, that other people felt the same way I did, but it’s different when I’m hearing the individual cases, and having the individual people say “That’s just how I feel”.
Today I did not kill myself, not for my own sake but for the sake of the commitments that I have made. Those commitments are the only things that keep me going anymore because I will not allow myself to fail them. I get up every morning and plaster that smile on my face and tell everyone save one or two that I am fine. That yes, even though my life to me is worth nothing and the place where my heart used to live is cold and empty, I am doing just fine. Today I did not kill myself because no matter how much I hurt and how much I want to just lie down and quit, I can’t do that to the people I love. The pain it takes for me to keep on living is worth not putting them through the pain of loosing me.
You’re very strong to keep going for the sake of those you care about, but also remember that you do deserve to be happy, and to feel good about yourself, and to want to live again. You are an amazing person, and the world would be a darker place without you, so don’t let those gremlins in your head tell you that you’re not worth it. Because you are.
Well, you did warn me. Oh well.
*hugs*
I’m so sorry hon!
I’m proud of you – I may not understand exactly how you feel, but I can relate. I know it’s hard sometimes, and you are an inspiration in your strength and courage.
Hugs to you – you deserve them!
You do deserve the celebration! And whether or not you believe you deserve the admiration of others for the wonderful things you create, you have it anyway.
We don’t really know each other aside from DA but I’m also not someone who likes to show things like that to others. For the same reasons you’ve mentioned and, in my case, also because an angry part of my brain calls the whole thing stupid. I know it’s not but there’s a conflicting stubbornness that pops up and seems to make it better temporarily but it really doesn’t and just shoves it aside while making me feel guilty when it resurfaces for not being able to “get over it”.
I also know about the other stubbornness, the good kind. The kind which refuses to let anything take the smaller joys in life from me because I love them and to me they’ll always be worth sticking around for which does keep me going.
So I’ll raise a glass in your general direction this evening.
I know that angry part of the brain well. It almost becomes a chant in my head at times. “Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid”
There’s so much guilt attached to mental illness, and it’s a really hard thing to deal with. It’s easy to think that you “should” be able to cope by thinking positive, or “not being so mopey”, or just copping on and “stopping being lazy”. It’s taken a long time for me to realise that no, this is an illness, and I can’t just think myself better. And even after realising this all it is is ammo to use against the brain gremlins. It doesn’t make the chant stop, it just gives me arguments to come back with and say “well actually, it’s perfectly reasonable for me to feel bad, because…”
And yes, I understand the smaller joys as well. The little bits that make me smile even when I’m close to crying. And they’re always worth it. Always.
Reading this is one of the hardest things I have done recently. Not just for the content, but my realisation prior to reading it, that I am not as strong as I thought I was, and compared to this my strength means little. Even in my darkest moments I have never considered death, and do not know the battle you must face. It makes me feel a fraud.
Of course I am glad to have read it, as it shows me my weakness, and if you and others have the strength for this, I have the strength to fight my demons.
There’s absolutely no reason to feel like a fraud. Everyone fights different battles, and in different ways. I wrote this article to STOP people from feeling like frauds; To stop them from thinking that they’re fake and useless because they feel the way they do.
So yes, you do have the strength to fight your demons, and I know you will. And every battle you face against them will be just as deserving of a toast and a celebration as mine against my own.
*hugs*
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