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I went to the doctor recently to tell him that I really wasn’t doing so well. What I call my “twitching fits” were getting worse, and mood dips were getting more common and severe. After a bit of discussion he hesitantly suggested upping my dosage. “I know you won’t want to hear this” he said “but I really think we should put you up to 40mg”. I sighed. He apologised, and explained that it was still a reasonable dose, and that common dosages in cipramil go all the way up to 80mg. He said it was really the best thing to do.

Not only did I know he was right, even as he was explaining himself, but it was pretty much what I’d expected when I came in to see him, and I agreed completely.
So why did I sigh?

It wasn’t because I don’t like taking meds, or because I don’t like relying on higher and higher dosages, or because I felt out of control…
It was because he didn’t pull out a magic wand and make it all go away.
He didn’t bring out the super secret medication that will make it all better, but that he saves for special cases like mine.
He didn’t instantly fix all my problems.
And I know he doesn’t have any of those things, and I know he can’t do that, but every time I go in to see him… well… I really wish!

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